Ze Uber Chronicles Continued:
The evening started with me giving out cards to certain isolated bars and BP. Both were extremely grateful because taxis appeared to be the bain of their existence. Almost like they despised their outdated trashy ugly vehicles with the expensive nature of them. Derelict automobile purgatory with signage from another era. Okay I will get back to the customer called Era later, just calm down he’s the spooky finale. Yes I had a customer called Era. Once business cards were distributed accordingly my night had to explode into….
Slow, well that’s what I thought, as I impatiently waited at the airport for my first ping. Nope, nothing for two hours, I even changed my position to increase my pingage. Nope. I even left the airport and still nothing, until the very last plane came in. Ping! Finally Shawn the business consultant used his phone to attract my attention. This gentleman travels the country to instruct businesses on how to save money. Yep sounds like a BS kind of job to me, but as the discussion progressed the subject of beer came up and I gave him a business card for partaking in a beverage at some point in the maybe future.
As I waited impatiently again I went to try Fairdinkumhaven. Okay Fairhaven and I managed to get two pings there.
First was Sam, the dude, surfer dude. He apparently loves Australia, particularly the Gold Coast. I said yeah that’s where I went to school. He asked me where on the Gold Coast, I said Nerang and he had no idea where on the GC that was situated. I’m not surprised though. It’s Nerang. After mentioning Nerang, various other surrounding suburbs came up that he may have heard of. Finally Surfers Paradise popped up and the blonde surfer dude called Jacqueline, okay Sam, knew where Nerang was, on the Gold Coast! By the way it was Miss Jacqueline who ordered his Uber for him. Not sure why that was? Because I was looking for a woman when I picked him up. Had to ring. Hate ringing when I’m looking for people. She answered. Sam should be there! Oooh you’re not here cool it’s the Blonde gnarly dude going to Gruff Brewery.
The second from Fairdinkumhaven I mean Fairhaven was…not important. Pretty sure they were just another person. Didn’t really blip my radar that much. Oh wait his name was Rain. Yes Rain. That’s about it though, apart from apparently every animal in Australia wanting to kill you! It’s news to me. No one has ever said that to me in the 3 years I’ve lived here at all. Oh wait, actually yes they have probably about 50 million times! Whoever decided to advertise Australia as a country that has animals that can kill and will kill you, needs to step back and look at Africa. I mean come on! The hippo kills way more people than the snakes in Australia, the roos that jump into your car and the spiders that jump out from sun visor as you drive down the freeway. Hippos people!
Pride was happening this fine evening, when another Sam had to be picked up. He was a very confident Drag Queen wearing a little black dress and fake lashes, yes a Drag Queen by living and by nature, bags of wings in hand, he had just completed a pride show at the Firefly. He knew I was Australian and said he really wanted to go there. I said he should. He stated he was going to become a music teacher in the public school system. He stated that people were concerned for his wellbeing by being a Drag Queen in a school environment. He said it’s who he was. I said good on ya, for being you mate. Wear that dress and fake lashes, it is who you are and if people can’t accept that, bugger ’em. He thanked me and tipped me way more than I expected. Super nice dude, I really hope he does well.
Next person was Thomas. He knew about archaeology. In fact so much, he could pronounce all the Homos! He even discussed how aphids had the selfish gene, which I had no idea about and need to look up. He had read such books by Jared Diamond like “Guns Germs and Steel”, Sapiens and such literature by Richard Dawkins. We could have talked for hours, especially when I named dropped my Honours supervisor from a decade ago Professor Mike Morwood. He had heard of my late professor and said he truly changed the archaeological theory for the better. Yes Homo Floresiensis. The 3 foot tall diminutive hominid that was found 20 metres down, in a cave in 2003 in Liang Bua on the isle of Flores. Nicknamed the Hobbit. Anyway that’s enough archaeology for one night. Good night Thomas.
Another Thomas pinged me. He was going through a divorce and had 4 kids. Poor bugger, but he said he was going to try and travel more. Especially down under. Cool have fun, don’t let the many things that will kill you get you. Oh yeah by the way you guys have bears and cougars. Yes he thinks he might get killed by a jellyfish. I said it’s possible, but you won’t get shot by an AR15.
Okay, Hailey needed to be picked up from a house party with her dog and maybe boyfriend? The dog was huge. He was a lot bigger than Bowie and almost resembled a horse. Great Dane x Australian Shepherd. The other fellow got my accent correct and said half the dog is from where I’m from, drunkenly. I said yes that’s right. He was actually wrong, but I’m not going to on about dog breeds and where they came from. Aussie shepherds were bred initially in America. Look it up. The gent told me that he knew one of the Seattle Seawolves and that there’s a rugby carnival on tomorrow in Ferndale. Apparently a former Tennessee Titan is going to be there, who now plays rugby at the age of 30. They seemed cool, until we got closer to our destination and I had to a take Uturn. I said I’ll chuck a Youi. That’s when the guy lost it. “WALLABY, DINGO, BOOMERANG MATE”! I chuckled but thought oh boy we are a drunk one aren’t we? I don’t go around with my worst American accent saying “DEER, COYOTE ATLATL” Do I? Face palm. Embarrassed for the man.
Saw several homeless people acting exceptionally weird I mean where I thought maybe the zombie apocalypse was happening. One lady was just lying in an awkward contorted position on the pavement a few feet away from another guy. It looked horrific, but she moved so I thought okay she’s okay I think? Next guy i saw alone on the corner standing with his head tilted to one side swaying, again like something out of the Walking Dead or something. Creepy.
Then Uber Eats went off. Good I’m not that hungry anyway. Going through the drive through at McDonald’s very tough when you have an accent. The guy had an Irish accent and had to spell Uber Eats to him. Finally got my message across. This hasn’t been the first time. One a lady from a few days ago thought I wanted a 4 pack of something. No Uber Eats! As I rolled up to the window a man with an American accent asked me where I was from? South Africa? No heck no! Australia. South Africa? Really? Come on! By the way this is the same guy with the Irish accent, he puts it on over the speaker for some reason. His parents are from Cork in Ireland. Makes sense. Does it though?
When I thought I was done. I stupidly left the app running, ping! Silver Reef casino popped off on my phone. A gent called Jacob. I picked him up and then his trip with his buddies was 20 minutes away! Awesome a nice fat sum before the end of the night, now morning. They too thought every critter wants to kill you in Australia. Original. Entering their street three deer crossed the road, one guy said I’ll give you a 40 if you hit that deer. I said mate my car is my livelihood right now, really don’t want to ruin my car. Already hit a kangaroo once. He laughed, then Jacob asked do they really kick you as well as punch. I said yes they can. They use their tail for leverage. Roos are nasty.
Just when I thought I was done. My final customer. Era. He was going to work. Jesus! Is it that time already? The sun isn’t up, yet. He was a security card at the old cement plant. Apparently people think it’s abandoned and go into the building to get freaked out. Yes apparently it’s haunted. I thought yeah whatever. Then I got close. Yep it’s haunted alright look at the bloody state of it! He said he watches the videos being filmed by the many cameras looking for people or unwanted entities. He told me the light switches in the facility are in inconvenient locations. So 90% of the time you have to use your big ass torch to enter these rooms and turn the light switches on. If there’s someone there you use your torch to bash them. So no gun? He said he hasn’t leveled up yet. Okay Mario how many mushrooms do you need? One more phase of training to get a gun. My immature self thought of him running around the facility with his fists at the beginning of the video game, then he finds a torch at level 2, which he uses to clobber the ghosts, and then levels up to level 3 to get his trusty second ammendment wielding hand gun. Obviously there’s other levels like ones where you get a shotgun, then a P90, then a SAW and eventually a rocketlauncher and then you finish with the Ghostbusters equipment. Ah the life of a security guard doing the graveyard shifts. Such mystery, such action. What Era encounter next?
That’s it no more customers. 15 of them yikes. Started slow and then ended full on. Till tonight.
