It’s officially been over a month of Ubering and as I slowly make my way to my 300th trip. I reflect on what highlights that have been and gone. From Shane the Jeff Goldblum lookalike and talk alike to Treezy the California trip. What will I see next? Who will I encounter? The mystery is endless because people are fascinating, they’re also batshit insane, and downright weird. I mean from people who get upset on where a toaster should live (after use please move it from this shelf on top to the one directly below it, the one without a door? Yes. Um okay, why? To the ones that just that really want to spend the extra money on that registration plate. Yes as I’m driving through B’Ham MRSHBUG on the license plate. Is it Mr Sh Bug? Mrs H Bug or Mrs HB Ug or an acronym for something? I really don’t know and for some reason it’s irritating that the crap out of me. Finally I came to the conclusion it’s gotta be Mrs H Bug. Because it’s a Volkswagen bug and it appears to be a woman driving this vibrant red coloured car and appears to have a wedding ring on the left ring finger. As I drove passed I discreetly looked over. Not discreet enough both people in the car saw me and the mrshbug smiled. Eh hi. Really not what I wanted to happen. I’m not checking you out. I’m merely having a sticky beak at why you have such a trivial bloody plate.
After my face went bright red. Yes probably as red as that bloody car I got pinged by an Uber Eats customer. Wait hold on! I thought I turned you off? No somehow in a restart of the app at some point the damn thing decided reactivate this time wasting, petrol wasting part of the app. Great guess I’m going to Dairy Queen. As I walk into the building there’s people everywhere! Okay one person in my way. Fair dinkum, I’m not very patient am I? Eventually Speedy Gonzalez got out of my way. That’s what my grandad calls slow people. Funny coming from a man over 80, but honestly if I was his age I wouldn’t want to wait around for some slowish person buying a burger. In fact I don’t like waiting at all. I go up to the counter and say Uber Eats. The 6 foot 3 inch infant behind the counter says have you got a punch card? Um no I don’t come here very often and I’m not buying anything. He said oh it’s for the delivery drivers. Get 5 stamps and you get a free blizzard. What? Really? Damn you McDonalds where’s my bloody choc fudge sundae punch card? Cheap asses. Then the tall adolescent fellow said do you want a free drink while you wait? I replied to the man, yes please kind sir. I immediately went and dispensed a cool and refreshing Pepsi into the ginormous cup. Added ice. Dammit Pepsi everywhere. Always ice first, then liquid. It’s physics people. Glad no one saw. Oh wait a camera is suspended above me facing me on the adjacent wall. Lap it up security it’s the best you’ll see all day I’m sure.
Dairy Queen. You complete me and made uber eats slightly better. I picked up the food and headed to Jacksons house. Pulled up to the driveway. Typed I have arrived in the app. He comes out and he is but a child. Okay maybe I’m just getting old. He looked young okay, probably not his house or name. He apologized for me waiting. I honestly didn’t wait long. Only a minute or two. Nice kid. Here’s ya food mate.
I turned the Uber eats button off again. Let’s make some real money. Shawn. Here I come. How exciting who will this person be? Your rider canceled. Blast! Screw you Shawn. See if someone cancels within 2 minutes you don’t get paid. He had lightning fingers. Maybe he gave me 4 stars and realized it was me and thought oh no not him he will give me 3 stars. Yeah if I ever find out who gave me 4 stars you’ll be getting less stars from me. Call me vindictive, but hey I can be. I hold grudges, remember stupid comments and people who generally screw me over. I’m not perfect by any means, but I don’t go out of my way to bitch about someone behind their back or hire someone, give them no assistance and then fire them for bad work that was never finished when you said it was.
Then there was Leslie. The customer kindly wrote me their exact location wonderful. It’s so valuable. I went to go to the right location when a man gestured his hand to me and crossed the road. Excellent thanks Leslie I’ll pick you up on this side of the road. The bearded man kept walking. Damn that wasn’t Leslie. Oh look there’s 3 people in that location I’m supposed to go to on the other side of the road. Luckily it’s a one way street. Window down. Leslie? Yes that’s me. I told her about the mix up and apologized. Oh that’s okay was her response. She works at the registration office at one of the community colleges in town. She loves people and loves guiding people to get their certificates. Rewarding job. She told me she’s a Native American and that she gets racially profiled coming back from Canada every time. They think she’s Asian. Bloody hell. That’s disgusting and deplorable. She has more of a right to be in the states than anyone else. We chatted about all things immigration. She thanked me for the wonderful conversation. I was chuffed. Cheers. You too. She tipped me handsomely.
Then there was Guy and Reed. I had apparently picked up Guy before. Yep really don’t remember this repeat offender, but there he was trying to remember our last convo about archaeology. I told him yeah I remember. Pretty much a stuck record these days, so I just spewed out not sure if I want to do it anymore etc. Yep that was it. Then he told me how he used to work at Walmart. I said oh they just took down posters of violent video games. Reed in the back said oh stupid idiots. Bloody liberal blah blah. I was a little bit more diplomatic with my response, because guns can be fun, you just should have stricter laws to make it harder for psychological unstable from owning one. Maybe smaller magazines and licensing. They agreed as long as the can still have their AR to blow the head off a cockroach from 300 yards away. Um yeah sure dudes I’m allergic to them. Go right ahead.
Um then there was Beverly. She was from San Diego. Her and her husband were off for a pint at the local brewery. Yeah there’s 30 of them. Retired and living it up.
Finally there was Mary. An newly appointed Americorps volunteer. Reminded me of the movie Volunteers with John Candy and Tom Hanks. Hilarious. Tom Tuttle of Tacoma Washington. Great movie. She apparently doesn’t get to go overseas and help communities. Damn. Just does it locally. Fair enough. Dropped her off an Airbnb.
That’s all folks. Till yesterday.
